Right of What?
In today’s hustle-bustle world of cell phones, laptops and the internets we have to be constantly ready to update our lives. In with the new and out with the old, that’s what I always say. Anything you’ve had for more than two weeks isn’t worth hanging on to. I tried this strategy with dating once and got the clap.
One of the most outdated things in our world today is driving rules. Think about it. We’ve been mindlessly obeying this “stop on red, use blinkers” shit for too long. Well I’m happy to say that recently I’ve seen people take the law into their own hands and change these prehistoric rules to something that fits the modern lifestyle. These new right-of-way rules are, like all new things, much better than the old* (seriously, Jurassic Park 1 – not enough velociraptors, 1st generation Gameboys – didn’t even have color, and does anyone even remember the first two Reichs?)
One of the most common of these neolawisms is the rapid-left-on-green. This is a complex trick in which the driver of a car turning left ever so delicately slams the gas pedal to the floor at the exact second the light turns green in an attempt to make his or her (haha, just kidding) turn before the driver going straight through the light hits him in a totally sweet and hopefully fatal collision. This one is best executed (and I stress that word) without a signal.
Next there is what I have dubbed the “size matters” rule. This is when the driver of an SUV or truck assumes right of way in all situations by citing the “if you get in my way you’ll die” clause (Peter 4:12-13.) Sometimes it can get tough to find a good moment to enact this move, but I assure you the opportunity is always looming in front of you.
Still at a loss for when to try it? Alright here’s a good example: You come to a 4-way stop sign. Under the archaic rules of our Founding Fathers you would stop and let the person who reached the sign first go through. Under the “size matters” rule you take a quick look to see if your car is bigger than the others currently at the intersection. It is? Good, keep going. Don’t brake. Braking is a sign of weakness. Try to keep the car above 50 MPH, because once you’ve hit that speed the bomb is armed and if you slow down the bus will explode.
The final rule I care to talk about today is the “cell phone > laws” rule. There’s no word to describe this other than “fucking great.” I’m aware that “fucking great” is, in fact, two words, but that’s how awesome this little maneuver is. Pretty much this one says that when you’re on your cell phone you have the right to do whatever the fuck you want. And I mean anything. Try it out! Drive through a red light! Turn British and drive in the other lane! Ever drive at night with your lights off? I call it “Funsploring.” Now remember with this one, cell phones can do a lot of things besides call people. Why not try text messaging? How about playing Tetris? The possibilities are endless!
So faithful young drivers, let’s get out there and show the road who’s boss! We’re not going to sit around and follow the driving rules put into place by ancient and mythical men such as Benjamin Franklin, Socrates and Jean-Jacque Rousseau (that’s French for ‘Don’t-Want Shower’.) The choices we make are our own and we’ll be damned if “the threat of imminent death” is going to stop us!
* If I have to tell you not to try these you should probably just go die in a car accident.
-EK
