Bitter Rantings of the Real Eli

Everyone’s always going on about how great senior year is. You’ve all heard the speech. “Yeah man, it’s great. You don’t have to do any homework, there are parties all the time and girls flock to you like burnt-out celebrities to Scientology.” What a crock of shit.
The closer we get to the end of senior year the more I can feel my once shining beacon of a soul sinking into the vacuous abyss of mediocrity. With this in mind, I thought I’d spend some of my last few miserable moments in high school dispelling some myths and wallowing in self-pity.
First off, let’s talk about homework. I’m not going to lie, as a senior, I do less work than a Frenchman on Bastille Day. Boy does that give me a whole lot of free time. Just think of all the ways I can spend it! Seriously…just think for a second, because I’ve been at a complete loss all year. In all honesty, I spend most of my time watching Nickelodeon and beatin’ it (although never at the same time.)
Alright, so the only thing you have to look forward to during the week is sleep. That’s not all that bad, is it? There’s always the weekend. Let me tell you about all the crazy ’07 parties there are. Just give me a second to think of one. Hey! Don’t stop reading, seriously, I’ll remember one soon. What? You’re leaving? Damn!
Let’s face it, the class of 2007 at ARHS is no partying bunch. Well, unless your idea of a party is a handle of Popov vodka, a 2-liter of coke and a few tabs of rohypnol (I’m not naming names, I’m just pointing fingers.)
Well, let’s brush aside the whole party catastrophe for a minute and we’ll talk about the girls. Yep, getting girls as a senior guy is about as easy as picking out lesbians at Smith College. Well, maybe that’s pushing it a little. The point is you have your pick of the cream of the crop, lines upon lines of gorgeous, interesting, 15-year-old girls. Wait? Did I just say 15-year-old girls? Oh shit, that’s right, they are 15! Well that’s a tough one. Personally, I like to know that something (no, I don’t mean “someone”) has hit puberty before I put any sort of appendage into it, but some people just can’t afford to be picky these days. Oh well, you can always try to pry an older one away from the 22-year-old UMass kid they’re putting out for. Oh, did I forget to mention that even though you’re older the girls aren’t any less crazy? My bad.
Well fuck, is there anything to like about senior year? If you have any sort of personality then the sad answer is no. Eventually everyone discovers that they are surrounded by idiots, who think that the cleverest idea ever for a senior prank is covering our school in graffiti and cutting down a tree outside the cafeteria (granted, those trees smell terrible…yet strangely familiar. Hmm…) On that note, I wish a happy senior year upon the entire class of 2008 and I bid farewell to my classmates in 2007, because let’s face it, are any of us really ever going to come back to Amherst?
- EK