Yeah, I'm talking to you, Paul Norton

People who put milk in coffee are fucking pussies. There, I said it. I’d add sugar to that statement too, but if you put sugar in your coffee I’m just not going to recognize your existence from now on. Wow, the world’s much more peaceful when you ignore 13-year-old girls.
Seriously though, it never ceases to amaze me how many kids will proudly exclaim “oh, I love coffee!” and then proceed to murder what was once a perfectly respectable drink by adding half a gallon of milk and enough sugar to feed Ashley Olsen for a week (or Mary-Kate for two months. It’s funny because she’s anorexic.) Yeah, you don’t love coffee, asshole. You love coffee-flavored milk-syrup.
Oh, right, what you meant to say was “I love caffeine.” Yeah, man, drinking coffee is all about the rush. Oh wait! No it’s not! If you want the rush there’s a thing called No Doz. Hell, No Doz doesn’t even require the exploitation of third world countries like coffee does. Pop two of those and order a fucking Italian Soda you drug addict. It’s ok though, not only will you be more wired than me, but you’ll be more moral too. But at least I’m not a pussy.
While I’m at it, I’m just going to apply this to everything in life. If you’re going to do something, go all-out. There’s no point in being semi-committed to anything. You know who else had interests? Hitler! You know who else had hobbies? Stalin! Interests are what people had in the 20th century. Obsessions are the mark of the 21st.
Take insomnia, for example. Some people only sleep for a couple hours one night and spend the next day complaining about how they had “the worst insomnia.” Fuck that. I never sleep. No joke, I haven’t slept a wink since 1973. It’s quite an impressive feat considering the fact that I was –15 the last time I took a nap .
Oh yes, my eyes are open and alert to anything and everything going on around me at all times. Just ask my ex-girlfriend. Wait, she might cry if you do that, so make sure you have her undivided attention first.
Back to my original point? I pee in the Raos milk pitchers.
-EK