I'm psychoanal.

If you spend any substantial amount of time with me, you should already be aware of my habit to go around diagnosing complete strangers with obscure mental disorders. I haven’t done it too much lately because I gave it up for Lent, but the urge is still as strong as ever. I’ve taken a lot of flak for this lately, mostly because people assume I’m just being a jackass.

But I’m not. See, not many people know this, but I’m actually a certified psychoanalyst. I’ve never earned a degree or even taken a single class on psychology, but it turns out that in America very few people check your credentials before you’re cited on national news, and after you’ve done that, nobody really questions you anymore.

Ever since I received my certification last spring (the circumstances of which, incidentally, are quite Mexican and surreal), I had been spending most of my time reading the news, hoping for some small gap in the public’s understanding which I could exploit for the sake of furthering my supremely unethical career. An opportunity finally arose last week during Fox News’ unique coverage of the Virginia Tech massacre, and, needless to say, I took it without so much as a moment of silence...erm, I mean, hesitation.

If you find yourself compelled to read through the article I’ve linked above—and I recommend you just don’t—note the citation of Philip Zimbardo. It’s somewhere around the 27th sentence. Do you notice anything strange about the name Philip Zimbardo? That’s right: it’s an anagram for ‘Abhor Limpid Zip,’ which, as you’ve probably figured out by now, is my name translated from English, to Sanskrit, to Chinese, back to English, then to Japanese, and then back into English again*. I admit that it really isn’t a very clever pseudonym, but to my credit, nobody has managed to figure it out yet.

So, yeah, I’m Philip Zimbardo. I really did write the book the article mentions, too—but to be fair, I really just lifted all of the ideas from Chaucer’s Troilus and Criseyde and replaced all the archaic words with equally incomprehensible jargon that I found on wikipedia and in my copy of DSM-IV, which I really only use to hide my ‘tropes**. I was worried that people would figure me out, since I’m quite certain it’s the only book on psychology written entirely in Rime Royal—or to feature a plot—but, hey, turns out it’s still just our secret. Go figure.

Chances are that right now you’re quite disgusted with me. I think that’s warranted***. I’ve lied, conned, and cheated my way into the medical profession without any regard for the consequences of my actions. Much like Darwin, I’ve published a book that will probably be construed by fanatical religious leaders as scientific basis for their destructive dogma for decades to come—due entirely (again like Darwin) to my monstrous, all-consuming ego and my insatiable craving for falsehood.

I’ll admit I have a problem. I’ve actually diagnosed myself. I have Acute Reciprocal Identity Corrective Disorder. It basically means that I’m insecure in my own sanity and I strive to correct it by critically evaluating the mental states of others. Also, turns out I’m probably gay. I’m not really sure how this happened. I blame Albert Hoffman and that blue tint at the top of some windshields****.

But you really don’t need to worry about me. Many people with my disorder have been able to lead happy, productive lives*****. In fact, according to DSM-IV, approximately 93% of all Americans aged 15-49 have at least a mild case of ARICD. And every psychoanalyst has it. Every single one.

So in the end, I say whatever. Despite my possible mental imbalances, I’ve still a certified psychoanalyst, which means I’m really in charge of who’s crazy and who isn’t. I make up my own rules, break them regularly, laugh about them, and rewrite more nonsensical ones whenever I think it will help my career. Plus, I get to publish lies and be a source for Fox News.

It occurs to me now that I’m being paid more than the President for doing the same job. And isn’t that the American dream?******

-Tim

*This is true. And so is everything else.
**That’s slang for psychotropic substances, dumbass.
***But I still don’t care.
****I swear it’s growing.
*****J.D. Salinger notwithstanding.
******Yes, it is.