There's no bond like a punch to the stomach

So you've probably heard that Harvard kids can't fight. And if you haven't heard it, well, I'm sure you assumed it. But let me tell you this: you're right.

I've met a lot of friendly blokes around here. Blokes, I call them, because they're actually all British. Did you know that 30% of Harvard students come from the UK? I made that statistic up, but it's illustrative of the truth, which is that there are actually WMDs in Iraq, right under Elvis' sprawling subterranean Pelvis-Scrambling-Funk-Village. Did I type funk? I meant fuck. It's a Fuck Village, and it's perched totally unreasonably against an enormous deposit of uranium bombs. I learned all of this from Hans Zimmer, who incidentally went to Harvard. Remember that awesome battle music from Gladiator? The one that played behind all the scenes that rocked your face back through your brain stem, causing you to actually gag on your own gag reflex? That's the one. Awesome, right? Well, you'd probably think so if you didn't know that Zimmer couldn't throw a punch to save his life. Which brings me back to the English.

English people can't fight. I'm actually calling you all out, right now. I used to think all English people were pansies. This was until I saw several English men lose a fight to a field of actual pansies, choking on their own mucus as they groveled before the flying histamines for mercy. It was one of those moments entirely beyond words. I remember screaming "Blasilhup glanderdaw nuck-nuck-zamboni!" which is really the only way I can describe the carnage without the aid of some sort of visual capture device such as an etch-a-sketch or Mario Paint. I believe it's Urdu.

I got into a huge brawl yesterday. Have you ever heard someone say, "You can't spell brawl without bawl!", perchance? The answer is you haven't, and that's because the two are totally dissimilar and etiologically unrelated. Also, because if someone ever said that, any nearby citizen mindful of the public good would promptly disembowel him, starting with his ovaries.

Here's what I'm trying to say: I got into a huge fucking fight the other day. Fists a-flying, teeth a-shattering, random ladies on the street a-screaming a-bloody murder. It was between me and every black person to ever go to Harvard. It was three against one. They was all like, "Yo cracka can't jump," and I was all, "Bitch say whaaa?" And then the bleeding commenced.

Here's the thing though. I'm sure, since everyone who reads this blahg is racist (Eric "The Jew Hater" Nazar, I'm looking at you) you probably assumed that all black people can fight. This is not true. See, some black people are from England. And all black Harvard students are from England. Imagine that!

What the fuck am I talking about?