Guide to Flyers (and what they mean!)
If there's one thing Columbia students like to do more than protest and whine about how much work they have, it's print and post flyers. There is not a flat upright surface on our campus that is not covered with these wonderful multi-colored sheets of paper.
Now, flyers have multiple uses. Once I discovered that they could be used for something other than fueling a trash-can fire in my dorm room when Columbia refuses to turn on the heat during fall break even though it's 45 degrees out and I can't feel my fingers, I extinguished the blaze in the corner of my room, took a shot or seven of vodka for warmth and contemplated their various purposes. So, without further ado, I give you a guide to college flyers:
What it really says: The boring black on white text on our flyer matches the soulless peppy personalities in our club. We don't have auditions because we'll take anyone who will openly admit to not only going to Columbia, but also to being in its Glee Club.
What it really says: Hey guys! We're cool! Look! Would we have so many flyers if we weren't so damn cool? I didn't think so! OMG!!! WUTCHU MEAN PRINTING 2 MENY FLIERZ IZ BADZ??!?!?!1
What it really says: This will buy you 4 beers during happy hour at 1020. Only some of them involve physical pain and/or waterboarding. Take your chances. We all need beer.
What it really says: I'm the only person on this fucking campus who has never heard of eBay. Trust my faith in the technology I'm selling.
What it really says: Our advertising campaigns are less than strategic. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there's a ton of people working for NYPD with $200,000 educations. Well, maybe not a ton, but someone had to come up with the bright idea to advertise police jobs to a group of 4,000 students who are primarily too scared to walk 10 blocks north into the dangerous area known as "Harlem". It's where black people live. Nuff said.
What it really says: We know you cheated your way into an ivy league school... Now you can cheat your way out too! Give us money and people with real intelligence will do your work for you.
What it really says: You never did drugs in high school because you were too busy doing work... but it's never too late to start! Right!?
What it really says: Your liberal Satan-worshiping professors are brainwashing you to think critically. Come, let us indoctrinate you.
What it really says: We're not in denial... Remember 1961!!!
What it really says: Rape is bad. But...fruit is good. You know, I'm really caught in the middle about this one.
What it really says: NYU sucks.
What it really says: Look how cleverly ironical I am! But seriously, printing so many damn flyers is really bad for the environment. I hope you guys are getting this.
What it really says: You may be fighting for a good cause through clever irony, but I'm a grammar Nazi (bitch).
What it really says: This one's pretty straightforward. Columbia students love to pee. Everywhere.
