So Much To Do

My school prides itself on always having a million things going on at once. Just last night there was an A Capella Jam, the Freshmen 'First Chance Dance,' a Muslim Chaplain Meeting, and several thousand upperclassmen throwing parties with grossly uneven male-to-female ratios. There are 450 student organizations, ranging from singing to rugby to politics to writing to hitting each other with giant foam katanas, and Harvard Square is always, as the kids today (allegedly) say, "bumpin." But all of this begs the question: what is there to do if you aren't drunk?

There are a few things.

First, you can do laundry. I don't recommend this as it really undermines your first and last line of defense against advances from the opposite sex, which can be a huge distraction from your studies.

Second, you can go for a walk and introduce yourself to people. This is nice because it's both awkward and pointless. If I had a dime for every person I've met and had a delightful twenty second repartee with in the past week, I'd have no idea how many dimes I'd have, because I've forgotten almost all of it. Hopefully enough to buy a couple beers.

Third, you can catch a T into downtown Boston or a bus out to Allston. The great thing about Boston is that it's filled with angry Irish people, drunken Irish people, and some very confused Italians. Also a great thing to do is to visit Emerson College and take note of how much prettier the girls are just outside of the Ivy League. Allston is fun because it's sort of like a giant dingy neighborhood where everyone is under twenty-six and seemingly expects to die in a hilarious party-related accident before they outgrow the place. Plus, there are plenty of hipsters who can show you how not to use hair gel. And there's Dave Noonan, God bless his soul.

Fourth, you can hop in on one of the tours that run constantly right outside your dorm and nod admiringly at all the historical gibberish that the Crimson Key Society probably makes up on the spot. Also, get your picture taken with Asian tourists at least nine or forty times. Every time you feel down in the dumps you can easily take heart knowing that someone who thinks you're a Greek fuckin' God is never more than a stone's throw away. Then jump on the T and introduce yourself as a Harvard student and see what people throw at you. I've so far collected a dog chain, a plastic rape whistle, and a half-eaten Egg McMuffin, which was delicious.

Fifth, you can go to the library. Nah, just kidding. Only nerds do that.

Fifth, (for real). This is a fun game you can play by yourself without even taking off your pants. Field calls from everyone you know and try, and fail, to convey with your voice the inordinate level of enthusiasm that they expect from you just for being where you are:

Them: "So how is Hahvahd?! Is it, like, the greatest thing ever?"
Me: "Oh, yeah, totally. It's the bomb-diggity and shit."
Them: "What's it like?"
Me: "It's..."
Them: "Well?"
Me: "Um...fuck, it's like, ah, I don't know. Warm apple pie."
Them: "Warm apple pie?"
Me: "...yeah."
Them: "How so?"
Me: "Mostly the moistness factor. There is much moistness."
Them: "What the hell?"
Me: "Mmmmmmoist."

The point of the game is to see how long it takes for them to decide either that you're crazy, or just to never call again.

Sixth, you can scope out the chicks. I'm always up for a challenge, so this is one of my favorites. The best part about this one is getting so drunk that you can't tell if you just think a girl's attractive because she looks sort of like some other attractive girl you knew back home, or if she's actually, legitimately, all inebriation aside, just a dude.

Did I mention this is something you really should only do while sober?

Anyway, I'm not saying there aren't any hot girls at Harvard. But then, I also believe in unicorns.


SO, I've only been here for a week and I've already found all these awesome things to do. Isn't it great? Everyone should come visit me. Soon.

Please?