They're Called Legs, Asshole. Fuckin' Use Them.

Hi guys!
So I'm taking this awesome break from totally stressing out about finals and sleeping in Butler and working on 15 different papers for each class and attending review sessions and never going out ever to write a blog post! Pretty crazy to think that there's something outside of schoolwork in the week leading up to finals, but wow, look at what you discover when you leave your John Jay single/Butler study corner!

Anyway, I thought I'd write for y'all today about a phenomenon, which I had never before encountered before coming to Columbia. I was also going to make you guys pretty diagrams, but my Photoshop broke when I installed Tiger. Boo!

Every building here at Columbia has doors! This seems like a really stupid thing to say, but apparently there's a building at Harvard that has no doors. I think it's where they keep potential transfer students and poor people. What was I saying? Oh yeah, doors!

So the doors here are all structured in pairs. One door opens to the left, and one to the right. This makes a lot of sense as paths of traffic tend to stick the right, so depending on which way you're headed people should flow easily through their respective right-hand door.

But this simple system would be too straight-forward for the brilliant minds at Columbia. Eschewing the typical New Yorker attitude of getting to where you're going as fast as possible, Columbia students only ever use one door. If one side of the traffic flow is going out through one door, the other side will sit and wait until each and every person has gone out that door and then continue through it themselves.

Now, this doesn't seem like such a big deal at first. After all, when you're in a rush you can just open the other door and go through, right? WRONG! IDIOT! LOSER! This manifestation of navigatory logic is thwarted by the simple fact that the lazy bastards who can't bring themselves to reach out and open the other door also block everyone else from doing so.

So what's a man to do? I've come up with two solutions. The first is to take a lesson from real New Yorkers. Let's adopt some new phrases into our vocabulary. Repeat after me.
"Get out of my fucking way ya fuckin asshole!"
"Ey where the fuck do ya think you're goin?"
or my personal favorite,
"Fucking move! Dick!"
Very good. Well done. A+.

But there's a problem with this solution. It must be repeated over and over again to achieve the desired effect. And let's face it, there's only so many times I can scream abusive phrases of profanity at poor asian applied math majors who have never been to a big school before, not to mention a city. So let's try a different approach.
Columbia students like nothing more than to study. (Don't believe me? Walk through the library on a Saturday night. Count heads.) Let's take advantage of this fact. In the same vein of hunger strikers demanding an ethnic studies core requirement we need to create a new class. While the name is debatable, my vote goes for "How to Move Your Slow Country Ass Around a City, Dipshit." Within a semester your problem is solved. Students will navigate through doors (and maybe even subway stations) just as easily as they accurately quote Homer, Thucydides and Jesus.

But hey, let's not stop there! Let's make it a requirement for coming to New York. I'm sick of pushing over old women and children in Times Square so I can make my transfer from the 1 to the N quicker. I'm sick of yelling at groups of 50 Japanese tourists, sick of shoving confused Southerners down flights of stairs. So let's make a class. Let's make everyone take it. I'm sure it will save lives.